The new math

A few years ago I was talking to an education major, approximately 75% through her undergraduate program. Somehow the topic of discussion wound its way to math, and how there is a change afoot in how math is taught. It is no longer enough to simply have students memorize multiplication tables. A student won't learn properly that 2x5=10 by learning tables. Rather, it is important for students to understand that 2x5=10 by learning things like, "If you have one group of 5 animals, and they meet another group of 5 animals, you will have 10 animals." I was so frazzled. I sharply replied, "Damnit, we put people on the moon using multiplication tables and slide rules. If tables were good enough then, they're good enough now!"

That introduction aside, it appears that the Crew have been partnering with Ohio State University's math department to develop some new new math (or are we on three news, now?). The new math can best be described using the following equation: 84+82+88= -6. The first three numbers represent the minute in which the Crew allowed game-tying goals at home in the first three matches. The result represents the total points lost so far by pissing away late-game leads. Instead of sitting at the bottom of the Eastern Conference table while being the conference's only winless team, the Crew could be sitting nicely on 10 points and looking down at most of the conference.

This is not the Riemann hypothesis, and solving the problem should be within the coaching staff and team's grasp. However, 20% into the season with 0 wins is not a great start for a terrible team, let alone a defending champion who returns almost all of the previous year's key components. If this problem's solution continues to elude this organization, Crew fans might have to contact the Clay Mathematics Institute to offer a Millennium Prize.